The Mosquitofishers

That night I had a request. I shouted “GOOGLE!” He answered “GOOGLE WHAT SIR!!!”

“GOOGLE MOSQUITOFISH!”

“REQUEST ALREADY ACCOMPLISHED SERGEANT SNORKEL SIR!!!”
He recited a whole web site about them to me. He can remember anything he reads, so people call him Google. I like to play drill sergeant and have him do my homework for me. The drawback is he calls me “Snork” but it’s worth it.

I thought, I could do a science fair project on the mosquitofishing, enter it into the high school fair. For well rounded socialization we join the after school clubs. Google is not allowed into them anymore because he gets upset when teased, but he could do this project with me.

Mom took us out to eat at the Steakback Outhouse, and Google said, “I’d like to order the TillaPEEya”

“Ti-LAP-ia! is how it’s pronounced,” Mom said.

“How would I know, I only ever read the word.”

And he pronounced it that way again, and confused the waitress till she got the joke but tried not to smile in case he was serious. Then he gave us a lecture:

“Order it, guys, it’s good for you, it’s a vegetarian fish that doesn’t accumulate chemicals like a carnivorous fish. Even though it’s raised in fish farms with antibiotics and stuff. People got the idea to farm them cause someone let them loose in Florida in the canals and they bred like crazy.”

The next day we were looking at a green pool after the mosquitofish had swum off, and Google said,
“All those pools yesterday. I think I feel like I finally have enough aquariums. At home I used up all the extra electrical outlets for only five tanks. Here’s hundreds of thousands of gallons of water, these fish are related to guppies, and guppies are called “millions fish” because they breed so fast. This pool could get to be swarming with them. Why can’t we put Tillappeeya in here too?”

“They wouldn’t eat the mosquitofish, they’d just eat this algae? OK, why not piranhas then?”

“Yes! Piranhas would eat the raccoons that are trying to eat the mosquitofish.” He looked up something on his phone. “Piranhas are illegal, but people have them anyway. Tilapia we can order as baby fry but the shipping costs a lot and the minimum order is three thousand of them.”

He looked up, yelled, “PACU! A fruitarian fish that people eat in the Amazon! They’re free!”

“Why free?”

“On Craigslist. Everyone buys them at Petzoo, they are an inch long and about two dollars. They look cool, like a piranha. People don’t realize they are fry, their adult size is big as a Samsonite suitcase and they outgrow the tanks even if you can afford to feed them fruit and veggies. I had to give mine away on Craigslist when I was nine. Most of the teeny fish there at Petzoo are really huge when grown, they have it all worked out so people have to keep coming back to buy bigger tanks. Now I know better, I just breed small species.”

“So, put an ad on Craigslist, see if we can get some”.

“REQUEST NOTED SIR!!!” He typed hard on the tiny keyboard.

“Pacu Rescue will take your outgrown Pacus! Large natural habitat for their lifetime. Remember, don’t buy baby Pacus at Petzoo!!!!!”

Google set up a big extra tank in the garage and all week long people emailed us and dropped off their Pacus. Some were almost a foot long. We set them free in the biggest pool in the neighborhood. A kid climbed the fence and looked over.

“Hey, you shits were just here last week, why’d you come back? Did your mosquitofish die?”

“No, we need to come back weekly to give them more food. That apple tree in your yard, are there extras on the ground? Can you throw them all the way into this pool?”

“Yeah, you gonna bob for them like Halloween?”

Both hard and squashy apples hit us and the pool.

“Quit it, don’t hit the dog, she’ll bite you. Bet you can’t get them into that inner tube floating there!” The brat took the bait. Soon, the inner tube was holding about 20 apples. They thrashed up and down like floating shipwreck victims as the pacu attacked from below.

“See, the mosquitofish are really hungry.”

“Wow!”

“So, feed them every day, ten apples, ok? That’s your job now. And make your parents give you some leftover vegetables too. Just throw them into the feeder ring, like in an aquarium.”

“OK!”

“Don’t climb over this fence, the mosquitofish will eat you too if you fall in.”

“They’re piranhas, aren’t they!”

“Sort of.”

That night, we were both so happy. We had a fish rescue farm, and felt like we had increased something. Google said, “And, free labor, free fish food. Real fish farms are crappy for the environment because the fish are overcrowded and get sick. The feed and antibiotics and meds are expensive and pollute the fish and the ponds, plus they need to produce lots of fish to make money to pay the workers. The pacus won’t be crowded, and if they breed too much to be healthy, we’ll move some to another pool.”

“Are we going to eat them?”

“I don’t want to kill them. But Petzoo would probably buy the babies…”